Relations between mother and daughter are rarely simple. Recognition of their ambivalence and understanding its reasons will help to weaken tension, according to a family psychologist.
Culture offers us a stereotype of maternal love as an ideal and disinterested. But in reality the relationship of mother and daughter are never unequivocal. There are many different experiences in them, among which aggression is not the last place.
It arises when a woman begins to understand that she is getting old … The presence of her daughter makes her notice what she does not want to notice. Mother’s hostility is turned to her daughter, as if she did it on purpose.
The mother can also be angry due to the “unfair” distribution of the benefits of civilization: the generation of the daughter receives more than the one that she belongs to.
Aggression can manifest itself almost openly, like a desire to humiliate a daughter, for example: “You have hands like monkey legs, and men always made compliments about the beauty of my hands”. Such a comparison is not in favor of her daughter as if restores justice in relation to her mother, returning to her what is “due”.
Aggression can be well disguised. “And you didn’t get too easy?” – a caring question hides the doubt that the daughter is able to choose clothes herself.
Aggression may not be addressed directly to the daughter, but to her chosen one, who is subjected to more or less harsh criticism (“you could find a better man”). Daughters feel this secret aggression and answer the same.
Sometimes women add: “I want her to die!»This, of course, is an expression of not real desire, but the strength of feelings. And this is the most important step in the healing of relations is the recognition of their feelings and the right to them.
Aggression can be useful – it allows the mother and daughter to realize that they are different, with different desires and tastes. But in families where “mother is sacred” and aggression is prohibited, it is hidden under different masks and rarely can be recognized without the help of a psychotherapist.
In a relationship with her daughter, the mother can unconsciously repeat the behavior of her own mother, even if she once decided that she will never be like her. Repetition or categorical rejection of the behavior of her mother speaks of dependence on family programs.
Mother and daughter will be able to treat each other and with understanding if they find in themselves the courage to explore their feelings. Mother, realizing what she really needs, will be able to find a way to satisfy her needs and preserve self -esteem without humiliating her daughter.
And the daughter, perhaps, will see in the mother of an inner child with an unpleasant need for love and recognition. This is not a panacea from hostility, but a step towards internal release.
